A free day
Here I am in the land and I learned this song that I will sing to my children:

emma ho emma
habakeeni chazak
oleolam lo nepared
emma otach cen ahavti micole
emma hasher lanu et

mother oh mother
hug me tightly
and we will never part
mother i loved you more than anything
mother the song is our witness

Na'ama, the most fantastic Israeli madricha in the world, taught it to me. She loves the thinker in me, I love her voice.

The news today about the 'Stabber' in Petach Tekvah is about 10 minutes away from me. Talk about dark humor, but if I were a terrorist, I would target bigger, more controversial areas like the Old City or what not, but Petach Tekvah? Its a run-down, Russian dominated, Waukegan-esque city. Really, Jerusalem has the maximum amount of terrorist potential.

Another dose of dark humor from my very self is my new TV program idea: Kibbutz Survivor.
I pit each Ulpanist against another, while dividing the teams between Keta Aleph and Keta Bet. Keta Aleph, while they lack Hebrew speaking skills, are a younger, more energetic group. (It is rumored that many of them have traded Hickeys and the like, you know, all that juicy gossips that makes reality shows soar in the Nielsen ratings). But Keta Bet has some pretty serious contenders like Jamie and Ruthie, the hippy Chabad couple from New Jersey, who are both physically and intellectually superior to most of the bunch. Of course there is Naomi and myself, who wouldn't be the first to be voted off, but then we haven't been playing the game like the others. My intermingling has been mostly at meals. In my free time, I've been wandering through the fields of the Kibbutz, feeling the muddy Earth separate underneath my feet. Thinking, thinking, thinking.

See, Circumstantially, my Dad didn't really know me during the difficult years of my early twenties. That while I never collected food stamps, I certainly qualified for them. His descriptions of my upbringing are completely expired onto my frame of mind. Sure, In a flash, I can ascertain any situation through the eyes of a Jewish sheltered suburbanite, with a certain Marlene Rubinstein slant of criticism.
But, after years of the imprint of the liberal Northwest and living with Tim the punk from Wisconsin, my view is less severe, my needs are less demanding, and my future becomes lighter.

Tu Beshvat is coming up this week. My Ulpan is uniting with all the other Ulpans in the Central Israeli area to plant Trees. It should be grand.

Near the End
Now Playing: Russian Music in the Background
Topic: Snippets, Bangs, Messy
No more whining

I've been here at the Kibbutz for over a month now. I haven't left the premises since I went broke.
Its really made me change my tastes, appreciate the small things. So, thanks Dad, for that.
What are women without money but who love chocolate to do, you might ask.
Naomi and I have been enjoying sliced white bread with sugary Israeli style Chocloate spread. Uch! But surprisingly yummy after all these years of Hersheys. No, its so gross.
This week she bought a liter of cheap red wine named Hebron and from Hebron. With every sip, I thought of the settlers in the disputed territory. Well, at least with the first sip. Then we toasted to her best friend's new baby boy born in the Netherlands. My generation is getting older.

Quietly, I've been Cleaning the Synagogue on Thursdays with Leah, a 60-year old lifetime Kibbutznik. I've been told Its a mitzvah. First, I dust every chair, then sweep, then mop (Israeli style with copious amounts of water and a squeegy), then 'take' the water. Its extremely peaceful.
We get a half hour brake everyday during our 5 hour class. I go and climb trees. Its amazing to me how little it seems that the Kibbutzniks care for nature. ho hum.
This past week, we started a bonfire and actually cooked hand-made pitas and then played charades in the dark. Most people were not English speakers, but they knew every American movie reference. Good times, like High School, but not.

So, I'm Moving back to the Midwest. Be in PDX in June for Alisa. No more annoucements just yet in that regard.

For Israel, I
Know that turbulent times are ahead for the conflict.
But I Believe (Hope) that Hamas' victory makes international relations better for Israel. I've been watching the news intently.

Money can always be made, but really, how often are you going to go and live in the Middle East for half a year of your life.

Can't wait to re-unite!

Least Generic Entry
THE BITTERNESS OF THEIR SPIRIT

"And Moshe spoke so to the children of Israel, but they did not listen unto Moshe through anguish of spirit and through hard service." (Shemot 6:10) The Jewish people were unable to hear about the forthcom-ing redemption, because of the heavy burden of their servitude. People of bitter spirit cannot think about anything but how to satisfy their immediate needs. They are looking for instant relief alone, and do not have the menuchat haNefesh (ease of mind) it takes to envision redemption or to yearn for freedom. All they can think of is how to provide for their next meal."

Ease of Mind. I love this phrase. My anxiety has been to the roof this week. I've been broke in the States before. But this time, its much harder to navigate while being abroad. Is it wrong to write about my failure to accumulate proper funding?

Seriously, who cares where you are from if you have no money, no security, no support from your family.
(And even if Eric is from some other part of NY, what he describes as Upper-Middle Class New City, he, at one point, seemed to be nuanced in a strikingly similar way as my precious, broke self.)

(I sit here 3,000 miles from home without a penny to my name. My adventure abroad suddenly aborted due to lack of funds. Ideas, anyone??? Where is home?)

Its such a shame, I finally have this chance to learn the language of my ancestry, but... Credit card companies don't care for such things.

Remember 'Choose Your Own Adventure' books? If thats what this trip is/was, this would be a lousy ending. I thought I was in love with country. I thought I was in love with a boy in this country.
But he didn't love me, really.

I'm blathering.
And that empty pit has come to me.
When you see me next, I might not smile.

Suz

My 25th Entry
Mood:  lazy
Topic: Ulpan Has Started
I'm proud to report that I passed into 'Ketaph Bet', the advanced level of Ulpan. It is challenging to keep up with my teacher, Ms. Ricki, but hopefully within a month, I will have a verbal command of this beautiful language. We are the 100th Ulpan for this Kibbutz, but that is no indication that things will run smoothly...

I've had a bad interaction with the nutso 'head' of the Ulpan and at least one Aussie is already going home. I'm disappointed to report that they treat us very poorly. And dissimilar to other low-wage jobs, we are expected to whistle while we work.

It's taken a beating on my exuberance for the Land. I left for a few days for what I decided will be my last taste of wandering Israel. I went to Beer Sheba and Tel Aviv. I took in the company of my friend that is a boy and the smells of the Sea.
Shift.
Shabbas here has just ended. I could spend much time complaining about the food, but I won't. I could spend time planning my future, but it seems impossible from here. I miss Alisa.
David Arfa wants to start a religious housing co-op in West Rogers Park. I could see myself living in East Rogers Park for awhile amidst the trees and the El and near the Lake. He asked if I had a Holy place yet. I think the only answer that I have for him is Lake Michigan. The shoreline of Chicago, I am so thirsty for it.
Its hard to gage just how religious I have become and will be. Its evens harder to imagine not returning to the Land in the future.

The Bombing in Tel Aviv has been blamed on Iran. It was a horrendous act of violence. Anecdotally, the bus station/mall was a haphazard, seedy, pish-posh hubbub of teenage soldiers and pirated DVD stores. My heart goes to the victims and their families.

Sleeps very close to Cow Dung,
Suz

double negatives and a quick note
Mood:  chillin'


Just look at how happy he is! The new UN Peace Ambassador and celloist Yo-Yo Ma. Doesn't he just make you want to smile...
And did you know that Liberia has elected a female president?
And can you believe about the stampede in Saudi Arabia?
Well, anyway, my point is to take some attention away from the friendly (?) discussion from the last posting.
I'm both beleaguered and impressed by your comments.
I have also shared them with my new, smart Russian friend, Videem, who seemed never to have heard that America has troubles with poverty, anti-semitism, and the like.
Nowhere is perfect.
While Mark may not like Dad's opinions about this part of the world, I do think its appropriate to respectfully express them. And Israelis notoriously step on your toes, particularly at banks, shuks, and bus stations... And as Eric pointed out, women might have it slightly better, so with that I will go enjoy my day in the Negev visiting a Desert Memorial.
Really, though, I encourage your 'debate' even if it doesn't convince me.

Luv Ms StuZuz

kibbutzniks vs nudniks
Mood:  smelly
Shavua Tov.
I have survived my first 5 days of kibbutz. Its a whole diff. world here. With monkeys, camels, cows, chickens, dogs, cats, really good people, slightly less good people, and flies.
More specifically about the people: Israelis, Americas, South Africans, Muchos Peruvians, Russians, one guy from Skokie, Italy, Germany, Netherlands (my roomie), and Panama. Soon, 35 more will come and then we start to learn next Sunday.
So far, the most exciting activity was working in the "Ruffet" to clean cow udders. It was gruesome. But the Morrocan that taught me also happened to prefer Lite Rock from the late '80's, so I was surronded with the sounds remembered from the radio of DN 77 and memories of Mom.
Otherwise, I make myself useful in the dining room and maintaining the Synagogue.
(It's seems to have been all too easy to be here)
There are 17 Peruvians that don't speak a word of Hebrew or English; I have been translating from my negligent Hebrew to my negligent Spanish. They went through a controversial conservative conversion, are mostly 18-20, are indigenous 'looking', and are very simple and nice. There is more to say on this subject, but all for now. There is an endless line behind me for the skiddish computadora. Chao.

"Animals that escape go from the known into the unknown-- and if there is one thing an animal hates above all else, it is the unknown. Escaping animals usually hide in the very first place they find that gives them a sense of security, and they are dangerous only to those who happen to get between them and their reckoned safe spot."

This excerpt comes from Life of Pi. Think about it and those that you love. Cuz we humans are animals, too.
On a related topic, I learned today that I am more likely to incure avion bird influenza living in this country.
And unsimilarialy, I tried Yemenite etrog face juice this morning, meant to repel wrinkles...
I guess my skin is smooth now.

No, really, this last week in Jerusalem has been quite revealing. I went to visit the Chagall windows and realized that my future possible graduate program exists at the same location. I visited the Public Health department inside the School of Nursing building, it was so obviously underfunded and quaint. I talked to some students, a professor, 3 secretaries (one originally from Chi-town)... The details of my conversations were mostly discouraging... In other words, future becomes more unknown...

Anyhow, the weekend has come and I'm off with some girlfriends to the Albert Einstein exhibit at Hebrew U. Then I'm going to a three day hippie workshop on Hanukah and I am going to make my own candles!!!

The rain has finally subsided and now I am reading Zadie Smith's 'White Teeth'. Anyone?

Happy New Year again,
Suzie Q

Back from Turkey
Mood:  happy
Topic: status update
Happy almost holidays!!

In the two weeks since I have last written much has happened...
I reunited with 12 Ramat HaGolan, saw MATISYAHU, said 'Good-Bye' to dear Rebecca who went on to visit dear Alice in London and then home to HP, Took a train ride North with Eric to Haifa for a raining night of covorting then South to Beer Sheva to my first all Hebrew 'Israeli get-together' amongst other activities including a Shabbat service in a hospital, eating latkes and malwahi (sp?), and an impromptu desert scavenger hunt... And then back on the train to Tel Aviv for a quick stint to Istanbul...

The people there are really nice and drink apple tea in tulip-shaped glasses all day long. It snowed when I got there and I watched Turkish TV and cnn and bbc and mtv and... That alone was an event given that it was my first time in 4 months to see any of the commercial Western world. (I heard it snowed in pdx too.)
I met some great kids on a tour I took the first day (when we went to the 4th holiest mosque (the blue mosque) for muslims and the AyaSophia. I heard the call to prayer and paused each time. I got completely lost in the Grand Bizarre and wound up in the Egyptian Bizarre ( over 1 kilometer away!!) the latter is a spice market. Brilliant and yummy. The vendors would often mistake me for a Frenchie or Spaniard or an Israeli (the long skirt really was not the style there for women.)
Bonjour! Hola! Shalom Shalom!

They are very friendly to Israelis, somewhat to my surprise. Some even spoke passing Hebrew. They were hardly any women walking around alone, even in the boutiquey areas. On the street, men will hold their gaze for much longer than any other gazers I have ever experienced. For a city of 16 million, things were orderly and clean. I took a ride on the Maramar, the body of water that separates Europe and Asia. With my new friends, I ate a fresh fish and discussed the life of fishermen... I had a full-service Turkish Bath in a 300 year old building. ew la la.
More and more to say, but maybe I will upload some pix after Shabbas and take any questions in personal emails.

Anyone else read 'Life of Pi'? Let me know and we can discuss.

Again, happiest holiday season to everyone, good health and watch out for a postcard...
Can't wait for the New Year when I am off to the Kibbutz to learn Hebrew.

Love Love Love,
Suz

Monday, Monday La, La, La
Mood:  a-ok
Topic: The Bananas
Another bombing today in Israel. 4 dead...

I woke up today in a cloud. I put an old PDX Rock N Roll mix into my discman and layed in bed a while. It was great to hear this music. I almost never listened to this CD when Tim made it for me. It made me pine for Pooper and the comfort of our old humdrum apartment on Hawthorne and computer pinball. So much time has passed...

Its a good thing to email an old friend. Someone you were once very close to. I spent lots of time looking at old faces on Myspace this morning. I even found Lily Gharamnani's web blog that talks about Laur's high school reunion. A good read, recommended.

Anyway, just wanted to mark this day as one that mourns for the victims of the bombing. I'm still so glad to be here and not anywhere else in the world. I am seriously thinking about staying for a long, long time (except for the month of May for the most joyous occasion of Lauren and Armin's wedding).

Museum of the Seam
Mood:  hug me
Topic: Isreali Thai Food
Shalom, Shavua Tov...

So, after three months of being a Shabbas guest, I finally gave out and did my own thing. Just like George Washington, I know when to retreat. I hesitate to share it, cuz its a bit distasteful to do on Shabbas, but I went to some Christains sites: Jesus' Tomb and the place where they supposedly burned him.
Its amazing to see such a different crowd here. I even saw a store that sold tinsel. Lots of tourists from the Pacific Rim and Texas and Russia...
What else is there to do on Shabbas in Jerusalem if you want not to participate-- READ. I read Vonnegut's Slapstick. I made more lists. I spent time with a friend named Michelle from Brooklyn, she wants to be a Chazzan. She inspired me to try again to find 'my' instrument. The last time I tried to pick something up was with Eric from Buffalo and his fret-less bass guitar in Madison, WI at age 20. So, after Shabbas ended, I bought some finger symbols. Hey Pat, if you are reading, maybe you can show me how to work them. Until then, I'll carry them around for the novelty...

Today I made it to the Museum of the Seam. I was in a stinker of a mood on the way and feeling hopelessly lost in the noon-time sun. On the street, everyone I stopped for directions was really sure that they knew the way, but each had their own version. By the time I got there my back was more than moist and my patience thin, so it was really hard to focus on the art created by Israelis and Palestinains to help them deal with their inherited conflict. There was an exhibition called Dead End-- Alis, you would love it -- mixed-media, contemporary, raw. There was a troop of Isreali soldiers there, too, that I got to observe while trasping through...They weren't as engaged as they might ought to have been...

Later, my friend Ilana met me at one of a few Thai restaurants on Jaffa St. It was so bizarre to hear 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow' from the speakers while slurping down veggie pad thai (made with sugary Israeli PB) When I asked for a lime, the counterman said that they didn't have it b/c it wasn't kosher. I smiled while thinking : Fool!. But at least they had chopsticks. I love eating with chopsticks and even that can feel like a special treat here. Later, REM came on and I thought of Andrew in Australia. Hey Andrew! Yea, Thai food.

So, it seems that Neve has made me less interested in their version of Haredi Orthodoxy. I am not a good candidate for the brain-washing business, afterall. Here's a joke about my seminary:
So, the rabbis here never bother to learn the girls' names. Why you might ask...
After the first year, the girls change their first names. (to their Hebrew names)
After the second year, the girls change their last names. (they get married)
And after the third year, they change diapers...

They are busy doing construction everyday at the seminary. They are building a giant wedding chapel on top of the cafetaria. And did I mention who funds the Sem? I might want to keep my mouth shut, but... Its all my friends and family that pays their taxes!!
Yes, its true. America funds it completely. The main building of my Sem. is named after a Senator from Hawaii that wrote this one Mid-East Peace bill that would up funding Neve. There's a real lesson in poly-sci... So, one might wonder what the US would have to gain by supporting such a place. I have no quick answers.

--

On a different note entirely, I signed up for a holistic healing course. I think its what I'd much rather be doing right now-- learning about massage, herbs, essential oils, and more. I think I can tie it in with my grad. degree, too, which is pretty cool... And I'm also planning on going to Turkey and Prague this upcoming month. Trying to refocus my adventures away from the religious route. Again, know when to retreat.

--

And finally, at the end of this long-winded entry, please, I really need more advice about this Beshert business. Here is a list that Mrs. Levitan gave me. please tell me which you think are most important:
1. Goals and Value match up
2. Interest is in person, not image (like wealth)
3. Realistic about faults and can you live with them
4. Emphasis on giving or taking?
5. Do you respect him?
6. Do you bring out the best in each other? Or do you strengthen your weaknesses?
7. Can you really be open and honest?
8. Get Along?
9. How does relationship affect the rest of life?
10. If he never changes, would you marry him today?

Not that I am getting married tomorrow or any time soon, I just have my reasons for asking all you special people.

--

From my confinement I called to G-d; his wide open space was his reply,

Suzanne Jerusalem